I spend my Sunday mornings in a quiet state of reflection as I view this day as the “bridge” day; the day in between the weeks. I use this day to reflect on the past week’s activities and thoughts and then bridge them into the intentions of the next week. I have found this quite useful in my attempt to live my life in the most constructive of ways.
So naturally my mind always moves to the ones I love, how grateful I am to have them in my life! My mind moves slowly to the idea of love. What is that emotion? How can it be described? What are the physical sensations I feel when I think of love?
As I ponder these thoughts, I realize how the expression of love seems to flow outward; flowing towards the ones I love. In many ways I gain strength from this outward flow, but I can’t help but to wonder where the energy flows back to me. My logical thought is that it flows back in the reciprocated feelings of love. But what happens when that reciprocal return of energy is not the same or even returned?
So I begin to examine love. I have been told that personalities can’t love as they always want something. So I am I loving only to receive love? Perhaps…
I begin to see that my feelings of love when filtered through the human experience are distorted from the essence of love through the veil of fear into a desire. “I love you, so you should love me back. Or even I love you in this way; you should do the same for me. (If you don’t I won’t love you any more.)” It has now become a completion or game with expected or desired outcomes.
I begin to understand that the thoughts of love, or better put, the way I was taught love to be, is just selfishness and fear. When viewed through the mind and/or personality this emotion becomes a weapon. A weapon I use to hurt both myself and others. I love for what I can give and I love for what I can receive.
So I begin to ponder, if the essence of us is love, how can we live this love? Neither giving nor receiving? Just being love? Not being IN love, just love? I realize I must change the definition of love. Love can’t be a feeling, as there are judgments, expectations and conditions placed on this; as well as all feelings. I begin to understand that love must be an internal process alone. It’s not something that flows out of me to you, it is something that moves and grows inside of me. It gathers its strength from the silence essence that lives within me. It grows gradually through an open awareness and freedom to exist without expectations.
It is through this nurturing, that it becomes the awakened essence of itself. It is only through the internalized revelations that I can become the truest essence that love offers.
I walk with these thoughts today, loving you, but yet somehow understanding that the love I feel merely scratches the surface of what love really means.