The Song of Silence

In full confession, I must admit that I am a talker, a talker from way back.  My parents used tell the story of how I used to sit on the edge of their bed as a small child, waiting for them to wake up so I could talk to them.  (As I grew they sent me to my grandparent’s house down the street to “share some of my words with them.”  I am so very sure they were pleased!)  I can’t even tweet because 140 characters is hardly enough for me to get started!

For whatever reason, most helpful people feel the need to ask me,  if I know I talk a lot... They often look at me with the most glorious look of discovery in their eyes.  I usually thank them for their insights and promise I would love the opportunity to talk with them about that discovery.  (I have found they usually RUN.)

So when the mind musing of the Song of Silence came to me I was quite intrigued.  Silence – as a song?  What is a song with no words or music? As I began to explore this thought, my mind, of course, had to make up a song, yes with words and music to fill the silence.  OK, so not exactly silence, but I got the song part right.  Sigh…

So as I prattled through my house, I began to notice the talking in my head. The running commentary on everything, this is good, this needs cleaning, this is a floor, etc.  No silence there.  The words seemed as if there were pulsating from my brain.  A constant commentary on everything, 

Outside I go, to hear the song of silence.  Ah, I hear the birds chirping, the sounds of the Calliope on the Natchez Steamboat, the tugs on the Mississippi River, and yet there I was commenting on all of them.  Wonder what kind of bird that is? Why do they always play those songs?  Wonder where those barges are going? 

Then it dawned on me the song of silence must come from within me.  To observe things as they are with no judgments, no thoughts, just be completely with the observed.  To watch and wonder with complete abandon.  To allow the moment to come to me with all of its secrets and hidden beauty.  To let it speak to me so that I could take in this most precious moment in its entirety. 

As I began to relax in this moment, the song of silence appeared, for I was silent and the whole world spoke to me.  Gratefully I am silently singing. 

The Dream of Drowning

I awoke early this morning, again; in a pool of… I struggle to consciousness from an apparent deep sleep.  Where was I? What was I doing again?  I notice that I am covered with sweat.  Ah, it must have been a dream. Or was it?  

As I begin to pull myself from my slumber, I remember I was in a vast pool of water, drowning.  Or was I simply struggling to breathe?  I allow that thought to wonder through my brain, breathing under water?  Could that be possible?  

Then my then fully conscious mind moves to from the dream to the symbolism this dream represents in my “awaken” life.  When do I think or feel as if  I am underwater?  How do I feel or react when I believe this to be true? Do I struggle to get out? Do fight with everything I have to get back to dry land? (a place of seeming in control and safety?)   Literally underwater or feeling like I am underwater…  Where are the differences?  Are they any, differences, really?  Don't I react, think or feel in the same way?

So as the gentle light of the sunrise moves me from darkness to light, I begin to understand.  Perhaps all I need are different eyes to see and gills to breathe.  Realizing that being underwater and on land can be the exact same thing, if I were equipped with gills. 

So in the gentle light of day, I discover that I have both gills and lungs, everything that I need to live in either place, land or sea.  With that knowledge, I completely understand when I find myself in situations that feel as if I am drowning, I know I have all that I need to be OK.  And the first step to relax and breathe.  From there it is easy, for I am home. 

“It All Depends on How We Look at Things, and Not How They Are in Themselves”

Ah, Carl Jung.  So is it the thing I see or is it a lifetime of memories that I see?  I have often given much thought to the concept of thoughts. (Nuts, thinking about thinking).

I have often caught myself in the middle of a conversation and sometimes even an argument between someone else and me in my thoughts.  Have you?  I can quickly run through the dialogue speaking all parts, feeling totally justified by my all of my thoughts and emotions.  Only to look around the room and see… well, no one except me.  To whom was I speaking?  To what purpose was this conversation? All of this happened in my head or did any of that actually exist? To me it was a real as any conversation, but the person that I was speaking to was in no way here to  hear any of this. 

And so I wonder how have these thoughts changed or affected my opinions or actions toward this person.  Has this, visible only to me conversation, changed “how I look at things and not see how they are themselves?”  Has this conversation brought me closer or farther from the realness of the moments of time I share with them?

Thoughts have always been to me as real as an apple. For it was from my thoughts that everything else in my life moved.  Think about an apple. What do you see? Can you hear the sound when you bite into it? Can you taste the sweetness? Can you feel the juice running down your chin?

Stop, take a moment and really picture an apple. … 

So in short I picture a nice Red Delicious apple. Then my thoughts would wonder to: Apple = food = I like it.  The same comes from the darker thoughts: loss of someone = sadness/fear= I don’t like this. 

I have been able to see that my thoughts about something can have an equal or greater effect on me as does the actual event.  I have noticed how by thinking certain thoughts I would either run away or walk toward certain situation.  I would bring with me all of my past thoughts, feelings, and emotions to an event.  I could totally miss the event, being lost in thought. 

How many moments have depended on how I look at things through the prism of my mind and not how they really are? The real question is how many moments have I ever seen things as they truly are…

I have but just a few moments in my life, (however many years) and how many have I missed being distracts by thoughts?  They come at me, these thoughts of mine, millions per minute.  And I wonder why no peace? How can I slow down this process, quiet the constant drone? How can I simply just ..be.. without the need for a constant narration? (Notice more and more thoughts, sigh). 

The Truest Gift of the Camino de Santiago

I often been asked since I have returned from the Camino de Santiago questions.  Some include: Why did you go on this journey? What did you expect to get from this walk?  Did you get what you were looking for? Was there any wisdom gained from this experience? 

I have often answered these and other questions with standard rote answers.  So it is now that I have decided to begin the Camino again; no, not the walk itself, but to use the concept of the walk to journey back to me. 

The truest gift of the Camino de Santiago is that she keeps on giving.  I am often amazed at how these few days have become the basis of my life.  The one advantage of the Camino is that through her rolling hills, fields and streams, I was able to have the time to move inward, closer to myself.  (Frankly not much more to do walking 15 miles a day).  The real shock was when I returned home, this serenity turned into the hustle and bustle of daily life.  And with each passing day I moved further and further from any truth I had discovered. 

I found that “life” took over from that peace.  It was no longer an option to quietly sit and reflect as cars zoomed by, emails needed to be answered and things needed to be done!  What happened to that peace? Where did it go?  I realized it’s easy to capture and keep safe in that safe space called the Camino, but perhaps a bit more challenging in my everyday life. 

So I choose now, to begin again, to walk the Camino, in my life every day.  To take the same journey inward with all that life avails me in this moment.  To listen to the sounds of my soul, to really experience the world around me that I have created, and to honor the truth that lives inside of me.  

I share this journey, not from a place of wisdom, as I am not wise, not from a place of knowing, because I know nothing, but from a place of perspective.  All I can humbly offer are musings and thoughts with a sense of deliberate truth.  Take what you wish or nothing at all as I offer it freely. 

New Year

Whew what a year! As I reflect on both the highs and lows of this journey I try to focus on what the real outcome of this year is and is to become. I am not the same person that started last year. My Faith in life, God, humans and me has been established. I initially thought restored but no – created. Not the faith of youth or of my fathers my FAITH. My soul and heart are opened to the NOW, the only moment promised to us. I look in the mirror to see if I look any differently – you can just see it –there in my eyes. I feel new and old at the exact same time. Looking, hoping, knowing, and dreaming all in this moment. And for the first time confident in what ever is coming I am here, I am alive and I am grateful for this moment. FAITH has not become a state of mind but instead a state of BEING. As the sun rises on a new day of moments I turn to the rising sun and feel – well just feel (for the first time) feel it all.

Signs of Life

From under the rubble of the of this earthquake know as this current year of my life, I sit and wait... for... aftershocks. I reflect on how all of this started a few short months ago. I wanted a change. But for me a change is like purchasing and wearing a brown pair of slacks or ordering something different from my the menu of my favorite restaurant. What I have gotten is cataclysmic. The cost for me has been 2 people very dear to me (through movement), 2 places I have called home (this year), my business, 4 cats (1 to death), 2 dogs, my home town (too much sadness for me here), and every ounce of physical and emotional energy just to keep walking. I knew the Camino would be expensive but I really hope that I have paid my bill in full.

The decision is made... I leave New Orleans and move to Dallas. I am clear that for me to do what I need to do in my life now is no longer here in my hometown. And so I must move on.. Since this decision the aftershocks come... I wonder around the house - fall apart- get up - make the bed, wonder around the house- fall apart- get up - brush my teeth. I am sure you get the picture. To me this is the courageous part of the journey. To see and know what is ahead - fear it with every ounce of my being (and want it even less) but going there by putting one foot in front of the other. One dreaded step at a time. Yes I know they get easier - but that is in time- and now is not that time. So in thinking about all of this I thought of you - all of you -both known and unknown to me. The people that have read this blog and shared with me my most challenging and personal journey. I can only hope that by you seeing and feeling with me that in some small way you were able to see a bit out of your darkness. For I know without this there would have been no light at all for me. Through you and this blog I have found my voice, my calling. (yes I do know that I've never been accused of not having a voice). I am going to continue to write this blog as I move down my path. I hope you decide to continue to read it. While I was in Spain I wrote several pages of topics I wanted to cover but did not the time to get to them all. I would love and encourage you to give me feedback or thoughts on my blog (now or in the future) for without you this is just me rambling to air and I do enough of that already. (I know, I know - I talk a lot).

Again I want to say how deeply humbled and appreciative of how each of you supported and continue to support me in this.... well... I guess it's my life. How grateful I am.

Earthquake

My room was shaking wildly, the bed was throwing me violently around then all of a sudden nothing. No-thing. Was I awake, asleep, dead? Was this real? My arrival home although physically uneventful has been a challenge. My fears about time moving on and my not fitting back in here in my home were proven to be true. The room was silent and dark and I was in a very cold sweat heart pumping right though my chest. What had just happened? A slow realization came to me, I had just hit the bottom. The bottom we all fear, the bottom we all dread, the bottom that we all run from with every ounce of our being from ever seeing. The last bit of me left shook and shuttered until there was nothing left. While floating in that space in between... (the space between notes in a song, the space in between the in breath and out breath. The space that makes both ends so magnificent. I saw and felt the emptiness. And I knew that I had traveled to the point of creation within me. The place I had come from, the full expanse of the universe itself. In that moment I knew I was free. Free from the ties that bound me (past and future)Free from the reasons why and why not.. free... From this point I knew although all things were done the future, my future was a pristine clean blank slate. While the vastness of this opportunity was exciting it was also quite overwhelming. What I knew was that I had witnessed was the death of my ego. Who I thought I was was dead. Who I believed I had become was shaken clear. My ego in every way the best and worst in me was in a heap on the floor right beside me. I stood up brushed myself off all the while the tears flowing freely from my heart. This dark allowed me a very safe place to simply fall apart. Now what, where, who? If not here where? If not me then who? Without the ego then what? I opened my eyes to a whole new world - a whole new me. Full of potential and freedom. The next thought - OH SHIT!